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Ask Wessel: Why do we need bartenders?

Also: Elevators, hammocks, and rebuilding the Metrodome.
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Every Friday on Dana Wessel answers your questions. Music, sports, pop culture, whatever you want. Have a question? You can tweet them to @DanaWessel or email him at

Well hello there. I am heading to South Dakota Friday for the first time in my life. We are going all the way to those big head things from National Treasure II. If you are a South Dakota expert and have any tips for the long-ass drive, I’d love to hear them. Hit me up on Twitter. If you aren’t a South Dakota expert then just tweet me pictures of ducks or dog gifs. Thank you. Onto the questions!

Q: I had a brilliant idea at the bar the other night while waiting in a long line for a drink. Why not a self-serve bar? It would eliminate tipping and go a lot smoother than standing there trying to get one or two bartenders' attention. - Tom

I mean, in theory the idea sounds great. Like a salad bar for drinks. You just go down the line and make your beverage and are back at your table.

However, I am sure you must have realized there are a million logistical problems here, Tom. First of all, people like myself would end up making drinks so strong they could fuel a riding lawn mower. This would cause the bars to make a lot less money and have a lot more vomit on the floor.

Also, one of the big reasons for having bartenders be the gatekeepers to the booze is to help curb over-serving. In this system there would be no stopping Joe Q. 21-Year Old from doing a quick baker’s dozen of shots in a half hour.

Lastly, and this is the biggest one for me, making drinks sucks. I hate it. I want someone else who knows what they are doing to do it for me. Even when I am home I get annoyed trying to figure out if a beer is a twist-off or not. I basically have permanent scars on my hands from wrenching away at beers that aren’t twist-offs. No, I am not the brightest bulb when I’ve been drinking. Neither are any of you. No judgement here.

Oh! Bonus reason why this idea is terrible? I love bartenders. They are my favorite people. Bartenders are just cool. They have all the best stories and know all the best dirt. You are going about life the wrong way if you don’t have at least a couple bartender friends.

Q: What is the appropriate number of floors you can take the elevator vs. taking the stairs? I live on the 10th floor of my building and it drives me crazy when we stop at the third floor or lower to pick someone up to go down. - Amanda

This doesn’t bother me as much as it does some people. I mean, honestly, how long does it take to for an elevator to stop and people to board? 30 seconds? Nobody is ever in that big of a hurry unless there is a baby coming out of your body or you have a fresh gunshot wound.

Plus, don’t you watch rom-coms? The elevator is where you meet cute single people that will send your life into a whirlwind tale of romance and hijinks. Embrace it.

Q: You always tweet about rebuilding the Metrodome. How about you [crap] or get off the pot already? - Freddie

I know, I know. My friend Myjah and I are definitely not as far as we would like to be on this passion project of rebuilding the greatest stadium ever built. Two big things are holding us up. We need all the people who bought seats and pieces of turf to donate them back to us. We also need someone to give us a plot of land that is at least 100 million square feet to house the stadium.

I think our best bet at this point would be to open up a Kickstarter to really get things moving. The Metrodome was built in 1982 for $55 million. That is only $181 million in 2017! That is a bargain. The dumb New Metrodome cost a billion dollars.

But besides the building materials, we will also need the land. By my calculations (aka a random guess), 100 million square feet of land would be about $69,000. So let’s get this thing fired up! We only need $181,069,000 to rebuild the Dome! Then we will get the band back together! Oh hell yeah, let it ride!

Q: What is the deal with those people who set up their own hammocks in the park? - Sam

I don’t know. I don’t know what their deal is, Sam. I am not even sure they know what their deal is. It just seems like a lot of work. Also, those things don’t look all that comfortable. They look super small and they could tip like a canoe at any point. Also, what the hell ever happened to just laying in the grass and reading your book? No need to BYOHammock.

Also, as long as spring is upon us, know who else’s deal I wanna know? The tight-rope bros. Like what in the absolute hell is that? You ever notice how none of them are any good? They all stand around and take turns taking one or two steps from two-feet in the air between two trees before getting wobbly and stepping off.

I also wonder what the endgame is for the tight-rope walkers? Are they hoping it ends with them in the circus? It doesn’t look like it is a good workout. Just makes no sense.

Q: Why does my husband think farts are so funny? - Brit

Because they are.

Q: Your answer the other week about the dad buying his kid Legos made me want to dig up my old sets. Turns out my parents got rid of them after I went to college. I guess I don’t have a question. I just wanted to tell someone who understands how sad I am. - Aaron

I am here for you, Aaron. That really stinks. Especially since if you want to re-buy all those old sets it is going to cost you a fortune.

I made it explicitly clear to my parents that they were to never throw away any of my toys. There are huge massive plastic tubs in the rafters of our garage labeled “DANA’S LEGOS,” “DANA’S WRESTLING TOYS,” and “DANA’S TURTLES” with all my old toys in them. At least, I think they still have my toys. I guess I haven’t ever checked. They could just be empty tubs as decoys. Oh god, mom and dad if you are reading this I am coming over right now and MY LEGOS, TURTLES AND WRESTLING TOYS BETTER BE IN THOSE TUBS!!!!!!

Q: I am dog-sitting for my friend while he is in Europe. Real easy. Just have to go down the street and let the dog out a few times a day and feed it. But what prank should I pull on him? Something that isn’t too mean or mess with his stuff too much? - Dave

I think the best prank is something that he might not notice for a while. You guys sound like you are good friends so by giving you the keys to his house he is probably expecting you to do something. When he gets home he is going to immediately check to see if you upper-decked his toilet. It has to be more subtle than that.

Tough to say without knowing much about him so I’ll just throw a bunch out there.

  • Is he a big movie guy or video game guy? Switch all the discs so they are in different cases.
  • Does he have a liquor cabinet? Take his nicest bottles home as hostages and replace them with Karkov and Philips.
  • Mess with his DVR. Either delete some shows or use it to record a bunch of random shows. Stuff he would never watch. Really confuse the hell out of him.
  • Steal all his toilet paper so there isn’t any when he gets home. You know when he is coming from Europe he is gonna have to go right when he gets home...

If you don’t like any of those ideas then just throw a rager and invite me.

Q: A lot of chatter on social about adults wearing jerseys? Where do you stand? Age limit? - Marcus

I don’t have a hard stance on this at all. If you are a grown-ass man and want to wear a jersey, go for it. If you think a jersey makes you look ridiculous, then wear something else.

I have gone off on this tangent before so I won’t elaborate too much, but why is there the need to add so many stupid rules for people at sporting events? It is an event, a form of escapism that costs money to attend. As long as someone isn’t actively ruining your experience, who the hell cares what they do? It isn’t like the 45-year old in a Joe Mauer jersey is going to take it off and strangle you with it. Everyone just needs to chill and enjoy the game.

All right! That’ll do it for this week. Let’s all raise a tall glass of orange juice and toast to the weekend. Looks like it will hit 70 degrees this weekend so go out, live your best life, and don’t let anyone tell you your business.

Keep your questions coming to @DanaWessel on Twitter, in the comments section below or email them to

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