Skip to main content
Publish date:

Drew Magary unveils 'This Is Why Your Team Sucks' about the 2018 Vikings

The curse of the birds.
Author:

Remember the Minneapolis Miracle featuring Case Keenum and Stefon Diggs?

More like the Meaningless Miracle, right Drew Magary?

According to Magary, the future for the Vikings is bleak, simply because, in his mind, they're expert losers who have perfected the art of rendering fans useless, stuck in a pit of emotional pain, for the final two months of Minnesota's harsh winters. 

Actually, that's putting it gently. Magary makes it sound much worse in his 2018 "This Is Why Your Team Sucks" column about his hometown Vikings. You can read the full attack right here, or just check out some of the funniest/meanest things he had to say below. 

1. Blame the birds

"The Vikings exist mainly to remind me that hope is for idiots," Magary writes. "God, they’re such pieces of s---. They’ll never have a chance like that ever again. I wanna die. The ghosts of the birds the new stadium killed cursed them to lose to the bird teams forever.

2. Kirk Cousins is the worst

"Here are some fun things about Kirk Cousins. First off, he throws lots of bad picks! Secondly, he can’t f------ grill a steak! Thirdly, he apparently doesn’t realize The Office is on Netflix. Fourthly, he combines the suffocating piousness of Tim Tebow, the strained comedy of Ted Cruz, and the training quackery of Tom Brady. From that wretched brew he has engineered a brand of corniness so robotic and so toxic that it could burn through steel."

3. The offensive line still stinks

"Their biggest move was drafting a right tackle in the second round whose chief drawback is that he weighs 68 pounds. They could have drafted a guard in the first round and opted instead for an eighth cornerback who has a sexual assault inquiry on his resume."

4. Prepare for another 10-year wait

"I know how the Vikings work. They do not SUSTAIN success. They won’t be back in the title game until 10 years from now, with another batch of coaches and players. And they’ll lose."

A quick fact check reveals that the odds favor an eight-year wait before the Vikings return to the title game (2001, 2009, 2017).

Follow Bring Me The Sports on Twitter.

Next Up

Kirk Cousins

Mike Zimmer wants Kirk Cousins to keep 'going for the jugular'

But at what point is being aggressive too aggressive?

pixabay gun holding - CROP

'Extraordinarily bad idea': MN sheriff urges locals against firing 'warning shots'

The sheriff has seen a "handful" of warning shot incidents lately in response to possible prowlers.

waukesha parade screengrab

Waukesha parade: Police ID victims, reveal more about suspect

Two injured children remain in critical condition.

Dodge Center

Large police response to incident in Dodge Center

Triton Public Schools have been placed in a soft lockdown as a precaution.

rochester 1

Gallery: Renovated downtown Rochester home on the market for $2.3M

It's steps from the Mayo Clinic in an historic neighborhood.

hopkins high school GSV Pro - CROP

As students protest Rittenhouse verdict, fight in school prompts shelter-in-place

The high school issued a shelter in place as a result of the altercation.

deer hunting

Man shot in group hunting accident in southern Minnesota

It happened Saturday afternoon in Olmsted County.

long term care elderly

400 MN National Guard members headed to long-term care facilities

The governor also hopes to provide $50 million in federal funding to help facilities hire more workers.

Smack Shack Facebook 2

Smack Shack's 4th Twin Cities location opens in December

It's taking over a former Fuddruckers — meaning lots of seating and a bigger kitchen.

Franconia Sculpture Park - Lorie Shaull - Flickr

5 outdoor spots to explore on Black Friday (instead of shopping)

There's something for everyone on this list of Twin Cities destinations.

holiday shopping

Money Gal Coaching: 4 tips to avoid holiday shopping debt

Kelly Blodgett used her passion behind becoming debt free to launch Money Gal Coaching.

Related

Deadspin's 'Why Your Team Sucks' series annihilates Packers

We didn't even include the really nasty stuff.

Kirk Cousins

Brees, Ryan restructured contracts, so why not Cousins?

Sports agent Blake Baratz says it's senseless to consider without extending his contract.

Gardner Minshew

Why the Vikings should have traded for Gardner Minshew

The Vikings have basically left the fate of their season up to a sixth-round pick.

Rick Spielman

Wide Left: Why the Rams are a glimpse into the Vikings' future

Paying your quarterback top dollar has its share of consequences.

Dalvin Cook

The argument for why the Vikings need to sign Dalvin Cook

The centerpiece of the Vikings offense could be replaced, but...