Dear Old Man Winter, we hate you. Signed, Minnesota

Shove it up your pie hole, jerk!
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blizzard, white-out conditions

A picture of a sheriff's deputy in a blizzard earlier this winter. 

Dear Old Man Winter,

Enough is enough. We've been warned that your cold, dead hands are again planning to squeeze the clouds and wring out a potentially record-breaking amount of snow over our beautiful, starting-to-turn-green landscape. 

Stay off our lawns! 

Sadly, it sounds like you've already dedicated your Wednesday-Friday to torturing our friends in western and central Minnesota with double-digit snowfall totals and 50 mph winds. But since you're still apparently undecided about what you're going to do to the Twin Cities metro area, why don't we give you some ideas. 

By "ideas,' we mean: Shove it up your pie hole and get out of here. 

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It's one thing to give Twin Citians a record amount of snow in February when we expect it, but to disappear the last three weeks of March only to show up at our doors again in April? Not cool.

Do you even realize how much you're pissing us off?

Think about the kids! 

There are thousands of high school athletes trying to participate in spring sports after being locked inside without sniffing 50 degrees for nearly five months, and now that they are able to get outside and enjoy some sunshine, here you are screwing with their fun. 

You made a mockery of spring sports last year when you dumped 9 inches on the metro in early April and then another 15-20 inches in your pathetic attempt to make history April 13-15. 

Don't you remember how you made Owatonna's baseball team take pictures in the snow? They might've been smiling, but they hated it. 

What about how your wicked mid-April visit made a bunch of teenagers in the Atwater-Cosmos-Grove City area have a shoveling party to remove 10 inches of snow and huge drifts from the town baseball field?

Here are 10 things we'd rather do than shovel up your bleep. 

  1. Go to Wisconsin. 
  2. Listen to Joe Buck talk about Aaron Rodgers. 
  3. Watch the end of "A Star is Born" on a loop. 
  4. Open a KitKat to find it's 100% wafer. 
  5. Order nuggets from McDonald's and get nothing but fatty pieces. 
  6. Watch Blair Walsh and Gary Anderson's field goal misses. 
  7. Be fully clothed during Toronto's World Naked Bicycle Ride. 
  8. Realize we're out of wipes while changing a poopie diaper.
  9. Have that neighbor walk across the street and start talking to us. 
  10. Bump into someone and not say "Ope!"

It's Severe Weather Awareness Week and we don't even know if we'll be able to properly test our tornado sirens because you might be in town. You jerk. Thank God for "Twister" otherwise we wouldn't know how to get in our trucks and drive around when tornadoes come. 

Do you really want everyone in Minnesota to become a snow bird? You know "snow bird" is just a Minnesota Nice way of describing someone who wants you dead, right?

Do yourself a favor ... make like a tree, and get out of here.

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