Ask Wessel: Best Bill Paxton roles?

Plus, Girl Scout Cookies and Nickelodeon GAK.
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Every Friday on GoMN.com Dana Wessel answers your questions. Music, sports, pop culture, whatever you want. Have a question? You can tweet them to @DanaWessel or email him at DWessel@Gomn.com.

Q: Squares or triangles? - The official Heggies Pizza Twitter account

There is some fluidity here. It depends on the pizza.

Thin crust? Squares. Every time. No exceptions.

Standard hand-tossed situation? I'll listen to an argument for squares but I think the triangles work better here.

Also, as long as we are on the topic, how about we do a SQUARE CUT PIZZA SLICE POWER RANKINGS!!!!

  1. The corner pieces: These are the cat’s pajamas of square cut pizzas. You better be ready to grab one the second that pie hits the table. Doesn’t matter how hot it is. Just get a corner slice safely on your plate and wait for it to cool.
  2. Non-corner crust pieces: A solid runner-up to it’s superior brother the corner piece. You still got some crust to grab ahold of. Remember, crust is key when it comes to square cut pizzas. It holds the cheese and toppings to the pizza.
  3. Middle pieces: The redheaded stepchild of the square cut pizza. Still good, but nowhere near as solid as the crust pieces. Nothing worse than picking one up and the cheese all just slipping right off. Also, since the grease flows to the middle like some sort of oily Niagara Falls, it is by far the sloppiest piece to eat. Think I am wrong? Picture every square cut pizza you’ve ever seen. Is the leftover piece EVER a crust piece? Nope. It is always a soggy middle piece that gets taken back by the waitress and discarded to the Island of Misfit Pizza Slices.

Q: How do you function so early in the morning? I've been working at 7 a.m. for over a year and still not used to it. - Cat

Honestly, and I don’t mean this to sound cocky or arrogant, but it’s because my job is amazing and Ben, Giselle and Anna are like my family. I am excited to get in and see them every morning. I am excited to get into the station and goof around with them on the air. I love interacting with all our friends who start their mornings with us every day. It is a ton of fun. I truly appreciate anyone who has ever taken the time to listen our show.

Q: How nuts do you have to be to be the type of person that carries around one of those combo cell phone/wallets? - Mark

Those people terrify me. They are either too cocky for their own good or too stupid for their own good. What happens if you lose your cute little combo phone/wallet thing? What do you do? I think I’d just move into the woods and live off the land and become one with nature. There is no returning to society in 2017 if you lose both your phone and your means to pay for stuff.

Losing either your wallet or your phone is a disaster. But the thought of both of them getting taken in one swift kick is too much to even process. I am getting anxiety just thinking about it. Oh, you need a new phone? How are you going to pay for that phone? Oh, you need new credit cards? How are you going to cancel them without your phone?

This is all too much. I am going to look for someone on Craigslist that needs a roommate in their doomsday shelter and sit there snuggling my phone and wallet while repeating “my preciouussssssss” over and over.

Q: Are you worried we haven’t got a trailer for Star Wars yet? I am starting to worry. Tell me not to worry. I am worrying. - Mitch

Nah, not worried at all.

Disney released a teaser for Force Awakens over a year before the release date because they HAD to. As obsessive and excited as us Star Wars are, we were understandably skeptical. We had been hurt. We were guarded. We were like hurt little puppies. But the 88-second trailer was like the warm, safe new adoptive home letting us know we were going to be OK.

It wasn’t by coincidence the Millennium Falcon, Han Solo and Chewbacca were included in that early teaser. It was Disney and JJ Abrams' way of yelling “HEY! THE SH*T IS OUT OF THE POOL! IT IS OK TO COME SWIMMING AGAIN!”

But they don’t need to do that anymore. Rogue One just made a mega-bizzilion dollars and two years ago Force Awakens made a two mega-bizillion dollars. They have us hooked again and they know it. There is no need to rush. They could release a 30-second teaser of nothing but Chewie rubbing his nipples and it would shatter every YouTube viewing record ever. Hell, they could not release a single snippet of footage before the release date next December and it would still shatter the opening weekend record set by Force Awakens.

This doesn’t bother me, either. I think my excitement for Force Awakens got the best of me and I consumed every trailer, international trailer, TV spot and bootleg set photo on Reddit. I am going to try to do the opposite for The Last Jedi and go in as fresh as possible.

Q: It must be quite an honor for Tommy John to have a surgery named after him. If there was going to be a Dana Wessel surgical procedure, what would it be? - Andrew

It must be pretty cool to have a surgery named after you. Especially one like Tommy John where the only people that get it are the most elite professional athletes out there. No Joe Q Accountant ever needs Tommy John. It is a pretty exclusive club of people who have had it done. I wonder if they meet for weekly meetings and talk about their scars and whatnot.

I really can’t imagine a surgery that would ever need be named after me. My athletic career flamed out long before a career-saving operation would have been necessary. Maybe Dana Wessel surgery would be some fancy operation to add more fast-twitch muscle fibers to the hand to make someone better at classic arcade games.

Q: I was just looking at buying my son a package of Nickelodeon GAK. The stuff costs $69.99 on Amazon. Do you think it's worth it? - Sam

Well, I mean, how else do you think you are ever going to get one of those mugs that say “World’s Best Dad,” Sam?

It is important to educate your kids about the past and things that you loved as a child. I think some Nickelodeon GAK is absolutely worth it. Much cheaper than an iPad and it will teach him how his old man grew up in a time where we had nothing to entertain us but some (likely toxic) goop that its main functions were making fart noises and getting stuck in the carpet.

But why just stop with GAK? I think you should also set the kid up with an original line of Super Soakers. Get him started with a classic Super Soaker 30 and work his way up until he is big enough to handle the beast that is a Super Soaker 300. He’ll be the coolest kid on the block.

I might also get some GAK myself. That price is just so NICE.

Q: I walked by some Girl Scouts the other day and, despite being on a diet, caved and bought some cookies. They were just too cute. Do you want them? - Maria

That was very sweet of you, Maria. Not only to give some money to the young girls but to also offer the cookies to me. That is why I am going to be as delicate as I can with my response.

Girl Scout Cookies are an overrated waste of calories. That isn’t me trying to be controversial. That is just the truth. People love them because they are only available for a limited time each year and purchasing them means you are helping some noble young lady earn herself a new badge for her sash or put her that much closer to a trip to sleepaway camp.

If Girl Scout Cookies were available all year and sold in every grocery store, nobody would ever buy them. You really mean to tell me you are gonna grab a box of Thin Mints over a package of Double Stuffs? Get the hell outta here.

Now before you call me a total heartless SOB, I'll have you know that I did contribute a $20 to a troop’s cause the other day at the grocery store. I am all for badges and sleepaway camp. I just don’t need garbage cookies in return.

Q: Far too often restaurants do not put enough cheese on their garlic cheese bread. - Clarence

I am glad you brought you this up. I have noticed this. Making matters worse, it isn’t just garlic cheese bread. I have seen more and more that bars and restaurants are skimping on their appetizers and, quite frankly, I have had enough of it. The size of wings, the quality of nachos, the size of plates. It is all going to hell.

I have a theory on this. Appetizers have seen a steady rise in popularity in the last decade or so. Think about it, how often do you go out just for drinks and appies’? The average person doesn’t know their own best friend’s phone number but they can rattle off the appetizer specials at their favorite four or five bars.

This has led to a price war amongst bars in the ‘tizer section of the menu. Every bar has to have some sort of daily half-pricers or BOGOs. Combine that with the razor-thin profit margins that bars have these days and you have bar owners cutting corners on the portions of our beloved ‘chos and wings.

This has to stop. If you get an order of wings and each one is the size of a thumb, speak up. If you get a plate of nachos where they totally skimped on the toppings and left you with a bunch of plain tortilla chips, send ‘em back. If you SEE something, SAY something. We are all in this together.

Q: Comic sans. Your thoughts? - Jonathan

It was the font of choice for a young Dana Wessel when talking to cute girls on AOL Instant Messenger in 2000.

Q: Why are scarves the soccer merchandise item of choice? I like it, but it seems strange for a sport primarily played in summer. - John

It is a tradition thing. They started in England over a century ago. Unlike the MLS season, the European club seasons runs from August to May. So, as you can imagine, a scarf comes in handy for a nippy Boxing Day fixture in London. The British have a much more subdued approach to showing their fan support, so a scarf is the perfect way to show your love for your club while wearing a nice overcoat. Not too often you see a Brit in full body paint and a viking helmet. Not saying one approach is better than the other. Just stating the facts.

So, yeah, wearing a scarf to a mid-July MLS match or a US World Cup qualifier in Kansas City in August isn’t exactly ideal, but it is tradish. I either ditch them for summer matches or carry a lighter one that ends up primarily being a sweat towel. It is a super glamorous to be a soccer supporter sometimes.

Q: Three parter, who is your favorite wrestler of all time, who is currently being misused the most, and finally who do you wish would have been at Smackdown [Tuesday night]? - Nathan

  1. That changes by the week depending on my mood. Either Stone Cold, The Rock, HBK, Bret Hart, or Val Venis.
  2. I am just kinda dipping my toe into the water of wrestling after a good five to six years away. Smackdown on Tuesday was my first live show in years. I am definitely not caught up enough to have a really educated opinion so I will just say Dean Ambrose. That guy is awesome.
  3. Val Venis

Q: What is your Mount Rushmore of Bill Paxton characters? - Scott

  • Bill ‘The Extreme’ Harding - Twister - For a kid who grew up in the 1990s, this will always be the quintessential Paxton for me. He rips in this movie.
  • Brock Lovett - Titanic - Has to be included on the list. He was great. I always wished they would have made a spinoff movie about Brock out going to great lengths to hunt crazy treasure.
  • Morgan Earp - Tombstone - Another one of those great movies that was lifted to another level by Paxton bringing it hard in a supporting role.
  • Fred Halse - Apollo 13 - Obviously overshadowed by the his more famous co-stars, but this movie wouldn’t be nearly as good as it was if it weren’t for the Pax-Man.

Alright, that’ll do it for this week. Let’s all raise a tall glass of orange juice and toast to the weekend! We are supposed to hit 60 degrees on Sunday. I say have a bonfire in the backyard and burn all your winter clothes.

Keep your questions coming to @DanaWessel on Twitter, in the comments section below or email them to DWessel@gomn.com.

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