Q: The movie idea you tweeted where Nic Cage rigs a presidential election was genius! Please elaborate! - Dana Wessel
OK, I asked myself this question just because this idea made me laugh and I wanted to expound on it. The name of this bit is Ask Wessel, and nowhere does it stipulate I can’t ask myself a question. Plus, admit it, you are almost surprised there isn’t already a movie where Nic Cage rigs the presidential election, right?!
The key to me is that Cage has to be a good guy here. He has to be rigging the election for the good of the populace. Kinda like how he was stealing the Declaration of Independence in National Treasure in order to protect it from bad guys.
So here is what I am thinking. In the not too distant future America is in a rough spot. Like, real bad. We are heading towards a presidential election with the lame duck of all lame duck presidents (not gonna get into specific parties). Things were so bad during this presidency that the party knows they have zero chance at regaining the presidency. So much so that all of the heavy hitters of the party didn’t even run, because they are saving their shot at the Double O for the next election. This leads to some real sad sack getting the party nom. Think like a William H. Macy-type. Just a real loser.
Meanwhile, on the other side of the aisle, a charismatic newcomer has galvanized the party and the country. A real smooth-talker that just oozes confidence and coolness. Think like a Clooney, Matty McConaughey or Jolie. This candidate crushes every demographic. Young, old. Rich, poor, men, women. Even lifelong voters from the other side have flipped and are on board. We’re heading towards the biggest landslide of all time. It doesn’t even look like Macy-type will even carry a state.
But not everybody supports the charismatic candidate. Not Cage. Cage is ex-military and has intel from all over the Middle East that tells him the charismatic candidate has ties to every terrorist organization known to man and some we haven’t even heard of yet. Charismatic candidate’s job is to take the US down from the inside. From inside the White House.
Problem is, nobody believes Cage. He’s like that classic disaster movie character that NOBODY believes when he tells everyone about the obvious impending disaster. Why don’t they believe him? I am not really sure yet. Maybe because he went AWOL in a manner that looks super sketchy but he really did it for very patriotic reasons. So nobody believes him because they think of him as a kook after he was dishonorably discharged.
So, it is up to Cage and his mentor (maybe Daniel Day Lewis? Christoph Waltz?) to rig this election for the Macy-type so the crooked charismatic candidate never gets their fingers on the nuke codes.
That’s what I’ve got so far. Oh, and of course the money line that will be the hook of every trailer and promotional video. Nic Cage looking all Cage-like saying, “We only have one option left. We have to rig the election of the President of the United States of America.”
If it seems like I am mailing it in the next few weeks, it’s because I am grinding out this screenplay and selling it to Michael Bay for $50 million dollars. Just glad one good thing will come out of this tipped-biff of an election.
Q: I went to Vegas for the first time last month and loved it. But now I hate 2am bar time we have in Minneapolis. Can we start a petition to get it changed? - Evan
Do we really need that? I mean, do we? I feel like 2am is a fine time to wrap things up. If you still have a hankering for some socializing at that point just host an after-bar at your place. The few times we have had extended bar time in Minneapolis (Republican National Convention, MLB All Star Game) I didn’t even really enjoy it. I remember just staying out until 4am just because we could. But all I really wanted to do was go home, put on whatever Fast and Furious or Cage flick is on USA or TBS and cook a frozen pizza.
Q: My roommate is cool but he is one of those annoying sports fans that knows TOO much about sports. We be watching a game and he’ll mention how Random Player X went to Missouri and rushed for 1,132 yards in 2014. It makes talking about sports with him awful because he always does the “well actually” thing whenever I say anything. Is he the worst kind of sports fan? - Michael
That is pretty bad. There are a lot of annoying sports fans. In fact, there are probably more sports fans that annoy me than sports fans that don’t. And yes, before I get to this list, let me acknowledge that I am sure there are things I do as a sports fan that people reading this find wholly obnoxious.
- "Bigger Fan Than You" Fan - This fan thinks their fandom is superior to yours because they own season tickets/buy authentic jerseys/”liked them when they sucked.” They somehow think they can belittle you because you don’t spend all your disposable income and spare time on a professional sports team.
- The "Wannabe GM" Fan - These fans fancy themselves as smarter than the average fan. They’re better than you because you have the gall to wear a jersey to a game or boo a player.
- The "Refs Are Screwing Us Over" Fan - This fan is hell-bent that the refs are always out to screw their favorite team. They have never legitimately lost a game in their entire lives. The only way they lose is because the refs were out to get them
- "Glory Days" Fan - The fan that finds any occurrence in any game as an excuse to bring up their high school/college career. “Pretty cool they are playing this World Series game at night. I remember my homecoming football game under the lights at night against Bengville in ‘96…”
- Sore Loser Fan - This one is most definitely me. My weekend is ruined if Chelsea lose a match. I handle it like a child. I am 30 going on 13. My wife is the biggest Chelsea fan in the world. Not because she necessarily likes the club, but because she knows she is going to have a crabby toddler on her hands all weekend if Chelsea loses.
- "It’s Just A Game" Fan - The annoying arch enemy of Sore Loser Fan. SHUT UP! IT’S MORE THAN A GAME!
- "Asks Dumb Questions" Fan - I am all for explaining the finer points of a sport I love to anyone….just not in the middle of a game or match. Not sure what offsides is? Ask at halftime!
- "My Sport is Better Than Your Sport" Fan - This fan takes any opportunity they can to rip your sport and tell you why their favorite is superior. “A BASEBALL player leaves a game because of a hurt fingernail?! Joey McSkateandfight died on the ice last night and his linemates held him up like Weekend at Bernie's for the rest of the shift!! DERP HOCKEY!” I used to be awful with this when it came to soccer. My skin has thickened a bit, but I’ll still can’t resist from time to time.
I am sure there are a ton more I am missing. Hit me up with any you have. Maybe we can turn this into a running list..
Q: WHAT THE (expletive)?! Beyonce bled on stage so her fans started cutting themselves - Megan
What the bleep, indeed. This one is weird. It just shows how much power some celebrities have with their hardcore fans. As much as we don’t want to admit it, these musicians, actors, etc. truly are role models for people -- and that isn’t always a good thing.
Don’t get me wrong. I went through some weird phases. Hell, I still am going through weird phases. I loved Eminem so much in middle school I dyed my hair like him. I liked Jason "White Chocolate" Williams of the Sacramento Kings, so I wore a headband like him. I love Bruce Springsteen so much that I still routinely wear cut-off jean jackets and American flag bandanas like him. But that’s about where I draw the line. Like, I love the Fast and Furious movies but I have never felt the desire to drive a sports car from one Abu Dhabi skyscraper to another.
Either way, kids these days terrify me. I don’t know if that is just me getting old or what. Probably is. But I would much rather encounter a gang of bikers late at night holding weapons than see a group of teenagers on their cell phones walking towards me in broad daylight.
Q: Question for Ask Wessel: This week 3 contestants all spun $1 on The Price is Right. What rare game show moment would you like to see happen?" - Tim
This question is so in my wheelhouse. I was pissed when I wasn’t watching the triple-bucks get spun on TPIR as it happened. I am a pretty normal guy, but I have one quirk. I like to be watching live as cool stuff happens on game shows. I hate it when the internet informs me of something cool that happened on a game show. As an aficionado, I like to see it live.
For example, I have seen a million dollar winner on Wheel of Fortune, a few double-showcase winners on The Price is Right, and witnessed every episode ever of Know Ya Boo.
I think the thing I want to see most of all would be a perfect game of some sort on Jeopardy. Have somebody just dominate their opponents so thoroughly they get all sixy clues correct, and are the only one standing at Final Jeopardy. That would be so badass. But if Ken Jennings could never do it, I highly doubt it ever gets done. It would take somebody brilliant who is in the middle of a long run that kills on the buzzer. But even then, the odds of them knowing every single clue and buzzing in before their opponents is almost astronomically small.
There are better odds of the perfect game scenario coming in Wheel of Fortune. Somebody takes all three toss-ups and solves every puzzle. It has come close to happening, but nobody has ever pitched a double-shutout as far as I know.
But if a perfect game in either Wheel or Jeopardy can never happen, I’d settle for somebody just hauling off and punching Sajak in the face after he makes a bad joke.
Q: Your beloved original Nintendo turned 31-years old this week. If I were to break into your house and steal all your games but one, which would you want me leave? - Derrick
What are you saying here, Derrick? Is this just a hypothetical? It better be a hypothetical. Just to be safe I am going to be sitting outside my house like Tony Soprano in season five with a bottle of whiskey when the bear kept showing up in his backyard.
Hope you weren’t expecting any FLAMING HOT RETRO GAME TAKE here because my answer is pretty safe. Super Mario Bros. 3. It’s the Cadillac of eight-bit gaming and one of the top five video games of all time. I seriously play this game every weekend. It's just therapeutic at this point. I am just happier and more relaxed when I am running boards and stomping Goombas.
Quick honorable mentions list:
- Legend of Zelda
- Duck Tales
- Chip and Dales Rescue Rangers
- Ice Hockey
- Mike Tyson’s Punch Out
- Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Manhattan Project
- Tecmo Super Bowl
Also, for you fellow Nintendo-heads, it looks like the NES Classic is going to be tough as balls to get. Preorders on eBay are already going for over $200. Get to Target or Best Buy when they open on November 11.
Alright, that’ll do it for this week! Let’s all raise a tall glass of orange juice and toast to the weekend! Everybody live your best life this weekend. Go Chelsea. Go Vikings. Don’t let the dream die.