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Ask Wessel: What is the ideal job for a retired pro athlete?

Also, fidget spinners, job interviews, and tacos.
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Every Friday on Dana Wessel answers your questions. Music, sports, pop culture, whatever you want. Have a question? You can tweet them to @DanaWessel or email him at

Q: Are fidget spinners the new Pogs? - Gina

I imagine they will have the same shelf life, yeah. I don’t really see the staying power in these things. It is essentially something that spins when you hold it. At least there was a point to Pogs. It was an actual game that could be played rather than something you stare at like a stoner examining a frisbee remarking, “How round it is, maaaaaan.”

I don’t get the fidget spinner thing, but I was definitely the type of kid who could have used one in class. I had unlimited energy and drove my teachers nuts. Having something stupid to spin on my finger and occupy my attention would have made parent-teacher conferences a lot less stressful in the Wessel household.

Q: Is a hard shell taco actually a taco? - Jack

I used to think so! Then my colleagues Giselle and Auggie 5000 set me straight. Apparently, a taco is only technically a taco when it is served in a tortilla shell. I had no idea.

I grew up with Taco Bell. A taco to me my entire life was just some meat, lettuce and cheese shoved in a hard shell that explodes and falls apart the second you bite into it. But now my taco pallet has been refined thanks to broadening my horizons with many classy dinners at high-end establishments. Just kidding. It is from ordering street tacos from food trucks outside bars.

Q: What would you rather go on? A blind first date or a job interview? - Dylan

Good question. I am fortunate enough to not go on either in quite a while. However, I am about one more eBay purchase of classic Nintendo games and one more botched radio segment away from having to go on both.

I gotta say the job interview probably sucks worse. More often than not if you are going on a job interview you are either unemployed or unhappy at your current job. That is an awful feeling. There is always a lot of pressure when your future rides on having an awkward conversation with someone in a suit jotting things down on a legal pad. Plus, where do you put your hands?! Do you have a water when they offer you one?! Do you show up in a tux like Step Brothers?! So many questions.

First dates can be awkward but the stakes are much lower. Sure, it could crash and burn, but at least you can call up your friends and meet them at the bar afterwards to laugh about it. Another first date is just a right swipe away.

Q: Should they hang a Chelsea Premier League title banner at US Bank Stadium? - Corey

Hell yeah! The first match of their title-winning season took place there. Hang a banner! Why not? I already call it The House That Chelsea Opened since they were the first ever event at the stadium. Plus we have hung banners for less in this state. Isn’t there one at Xcel for a sellout streak or something?

Plus, we all know the Vikings won’t be hanging a Super Bowl banner anytime soon. Might as well hang one for Chelsea.

Q: I can’t stand karaoke and find it very annoying. However, I love Lip Sync Battle. Think a Lip Sync Battle bar could be a success? - Heather

Hmmm. I dunno. Would Chrissy Teigen be there? Although I tend to agree with you on karaoke bars, I don’t think a Lip Sync Battle bar would really take off. The big part of the appeal of that show is celebrities acting silly, the choreographed dances, costumes, etc. And Chrissy Teigen. Would you really wanna see some drunk woman stumbling around stage mouthing the words to "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun" at a bar? Probably more enjoyable than her singing it, but I can’t see it being a big draw. Plus, I don’t think Chrissy Teigen would be there.

Somebody on Twitter had a great idea recently on how to fix karaoke bars. I can’t remember who it was, so if it was you, I apologize and award you 12 Twitter Points. But the idea was along the lines of having a karaoke bar called Just the Chorus. That is often the biggest problem of drunk people singing. They think they know all the words to their favorite song but really only know the chorus. This often leads to mangled performances since vodka and soda doesn’t lend itself well to reading moving words on a 19-inch bar TV from 10 feet away.

Q: Why haven't you learned how to play Killer Queen yet? - Michelle

For those of you that don’t know, Killer Queen is a new arcade game that pits two teams of five against each other in a massive 10-player strategy game.

They have it at our local arcade but I have yet to play it despite making about 783 arcade runs in the last year. I started avoiding it just because it was new and new things scare me. Plus, I am more of vintage guy. But I kept seeing more and more people get into it, like really really into it, and I started to get intrigued. But now I am so far behind on the craze that I am intimidated to start. Everybody has their own teams and have become experts.

I’d just be like Smalls showing up at the Sandlot that first day if I ever drop a token. I'd make a fool of myself and everyone would make fun of me.

So basically what I am saying is I need my Benny "The Jet" to introduce me to the crew and let everyone know I am not a spaz. Will you be my Benny "The Jet," Michelle?

Q: Be honest. Did you ever try the Dumb and Dumber lighter/fart scene as a kid? My friends and I did and it never really worked like the movie. - Mike

Whoa. I am surprised a movie as concerned with accuracy and realism like Dumb and Dumber had a scene that contained a scientific embellishment. Shame on the Farrelly brothers!

Never tried it when I was a kid, but we definitely talked about it a lot. Thankfully there was an urban legend at our school about somebody’s cousin trying it and the flame ended up going up his butt and burning his intestines. That was enough to get 4th grade Dana to reconsider farting into a lighter. Aren’t you proud, mom and dad?

Q: What is the ideal job for a former athlete? Broadcaster, coach, or product endorser that does commercials? - Jake

Um, none of the above? I would say that the ideal job for a former athlete is having enough money saved they don’t have to work anymore. I am not saying ALL retired athletes continue working after hanging up their jocks-n-socks because they need the cash, but it seems like a good number do. Maybe I am just getting lazy and more of a shut-in at the ripe old age of 31, but I would just wanna sit by the pool and hang out with my wife when I was done playing.

But of the three you listed, I would say broadcaster is probably number one. It takes very little effort. Have you heard some of the drivel that comes out of former athlete’s mouths sometimes? You can’t even understand what Charles Barkley is saying half the time. It is also very evident Troy Aikman's brain got rattled around more than the dice in the board game Trouble.

Coaching is a lot of work. Plus a lot of athletes have a hard time making that adjustment. I would hate that. It is all the travel but none of the fun. Plus, I imagine coaches have to go to a lot of meetings. Meetings suck.

As far as commercials go, it all depends. If you’re Michael Jordan and doing ads for your own billion-dollar brand? Hell yeah, let it ride. But if you’re Emmitt Smith doing Just for Men ads, Jimmy Johnson plugging Extenze, or Troy Aikman doing spots for Rent-A-Center, it is just kinda sad. Also, it was purely coincidental that all three examples of pathetic ads I just came up with were from members of the 1990s Cowboys dynasty.

Q: What is the best advice you have ever learned from a movie character? - Andy

Do all the necessary background research to determine if a woman is really your twin sister separated at birth before making out with her. Thank you, Mr. Skywalker. May the Force continue to be with you.

All right, that’ll do it for this week! Let’s all raise a tall glass of orange juice and toast to the weekend! Everybody enjoy your Memorial Day weekend. Be sure to raise a toast to all those who lost their lives fighting for our freedom.

Keep your questions coming to @DanaWessel on Twitter, in the comments section below or email them to

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