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Ask Wessel: Would you rather have a pontoon or a speedboat?

Plus: College bars, siblings, and the 10 last movies on earth.
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Every Friday on Dana Wessel answers your questions. Music, sports, pop culture, whatever you want. Have a question? You can tweet them to @DanaWessel or email him at You can read the Ask Wessel archives here.

Q: In light of the Twins' Star Wars night, what would be your ideal Twins theme night? - Sarah

A few years ago I probably would have said Star Wars night. I still can’t believe this is a yearly thing. It’s awesome. I gotta get me one of those Dozier Stormtrooper bobbleheads.
Few ideas….

  • Fast and Furious night - I know, I know. How predictable am I? Everybody wears tank tops and lathers up their arms in some of the Rock and Vin’s baby oil. Then we all talk in Fast quotes with a baseball twist. “I live my life a fastball at a time” or “Home run or die? Home run or die.”
  • WWE night - Gives me an excuse to wear my Rowdy Roddy Piper kilt in public. So freeing!
  • Slip-N-Slide night - After the game they turn the outfield into a giant slip-n-slide and we all go onto the field and have a blast. Might have to be the night before a long road trip. I am sure the grounds crew would LOVE this night.
  • Dozen Egg night - If you get this reference you’re somebody I’d wanna have beers with.
  • Mario Kart night - Before/during commercials/after the game people can get a chance to play Mario Kart on the huge jumbotron in the outfield.

Q: Help settle a work debate the other day. What is the better type of boat to have in Minnesota - a pontoon or a speedboat? - James

It depends on what you are after. Speedboats are definitely cooler. Pontoons are much more practical. Kinda just what you are looking to do.

Me personally? I am not Speedboat Cool. In order to be Speedboat Cool you gotta be one of those guys that is in Channing Tatum shape and can wakeboard and stuff. The type of guy who has nicer sunglasses than the ones I get at Ragstock for $4.99. Speedboat Cool guys also have those really cool board shorts and whatnot. That just sounds like a lot of work.

That isn’t me at all. I am definitely more of a pontoon guy. I love a pontoon because you can fit a ton of people on board, they are comfortable, you can fit a day's worth of beer/snacks and kinda just float around lazily. That is more the Minnesota way to me. So when it comes to boats in this state, I’d much rather be the guy slowly cruising by on a ‘toon with a beer going than the knob on the speedboat going too fast and creating an annoying wake for everyone else.

Q: What do you want to see in the new soccer stadium (in St. Paul) - Pete

Ah, yes. The soccer stadium. Looks like we are close (or maybe we already have) to breaking ground on this thing. Here are some things I would like to see.

  • Standing supporters section - No seats in the supporters section. Just a rail in each row with cupholders. They did this in Orlando and it looks great. This way, if you get a ticket to the supporters section, you know what you’re getting yourself into. Standing and singing for two hours.
  • A water slide - I have been asking the president of the team for this since MLS was announced. No real reason, other than that water slides rule. It gets hot in the summer. A water slide would be b*tchin’.
  • Scarf wall - They have this in Kansas City (and I assume other stadiums, but I’ve only seen it in KC). Imagine a long wall with rows of towel rods. People from different teams, clubs, and countries leave their team’s scarf hanging on the wall. It is a cool thing to check out and see all the teams that have come through.
  • Tribute to Minnesota soccer past - Not sure exactly what. Somebody more creative than me can figure that out. But a wall, fountain, wing, whatever, that honors the Kicks, Strikers, Thunder, Stars, etc. that all came before the Minnesota United. Professional soccer didn’t start in Minnesota with MLS and something in the stadium should recognize that.
  • Beer tokens - At matches in England you can prepay for beers before the match and they give you a wood token you can redeem at halftime. Nobody leaves their seats during soccer matches so the 15-minute halftime goes fast. Being able to just walk up and trade a token for an already-poured beer saves you valuable time.

Q: A tragic event has happened and there are only 10 movies left on Earth? You are the chosen one that picks the movies. What are they? - Kortney

This is a tough question for a lot of reasons. Do I pick the 10 that I think ALL of Earth would want? Like, do I come up with a good mix of genres and eras and films from many different countries? Or do I go selfish and just pick my 10 favorite? I have a feeling you know what I am going with.

I struggled with this one. I could tweak this for hours. But here they are in no particular order…

  • Rocky IV
  • Back to the Future
  • Fast Five
  • Shawshank Redemption
  • Toy Story III
  • Star Wars: Empire Strikes Back
  • Pulp Fiction
  • The Goonies
  • Con Air
  • Mighty Ducks II

Go ahead and tweet me to tell me how wrong I am! Bring it. I stand by my 10.

Q: How do Mario and his buddies afford such fancy go karts? None of them seem to have a job. What gives? - Andy

You know how Mario is always the one starring in the video games and Luigi only makes an occasional appearance? That’s because Luigi is busy running the biggest meth ring you’ve ever seen. He is the Walter White of the Mushroom Kingdom. He bankrolls the whole thing.

Q: What is the ideal number of siblings to have? - Myjah

Zero, duh. Haven’t you ever noticed that Santa magically gives more presents to kids that don’t have brothers and sisters?

Q: After a long stretch with the same Twitter photo, you’ve changed it twice in the last few weeks. What goes into the decision making process for selecting your Twitter photo, and what do you say to those who look for tweets based on photo rather than name? - Ryan

I know what you’re talking about. My eyes scan for familiar pictures and not necessarily Twitter handles. It annoys me when other people make a switch and it takes a while to adjust.

But here is the thing, I live my life by a few rules, and one of those rules is if you get a picture of yourself standing on the turnbuckles in a wrestling ring, you make that sh*t your Twitter avatar ASAP.

Q: Do you ever laugh when you walk into a college bar and see a top shelf of fancy booze? What college kid is buying that? I bet those bottles have been there for years. - Troy

Well, I haven’t really walked into a college bar lately, but I do know what you are talking about. I didn’t order anything but rail when I was in college. Hell, I still don’t. I guess I can kinda see why they have them. There are a lot of rich kids with mommy and daddy’s money in college that saw a Ketel One commercial and think they’ll be cooler and impress people if they order something fancy. Or, during sporting events when every alumni and their cousin comes back to relive their glory days. But yeah, that Johnny Walker on the top shelf at Blarney in Dinkytown? I am guessing there is some dust on that bottle.

This did just give me a great idea for a bare bones college bar. No need to even attempt to class it up. Just a call a spade a spade, or in this case, let’s just call a shot of Philips tequila a shot of Philips tequila.

We call the place Shotzzz or something equally douchey. The only beers will be domestic lights. The only liquor will be rail everything. Oh, you’d like to see our vodka menu? Here it is. Karkov, Skol, White Eagle, Aristocrats, and Glen’s. If a bottle of booze isn’t plastic, it won’t be served at Shotzzz. We won’t even have Red Bull. We’ll have that generic energy drink you see always see at the gas station on special that is clearly on the verge of being banned by the FDA. These are college kids. Their bodies can handle it.

The food will be very college-friendly too. Just an oven and a couple microwaves in the back that are constantly spitting out frozen ‘zas, pizza rolls, hot pockets, and dogs on rollers.

The overhead cost would be so low. Just get a dance floor and hire someone to clean up the puke in the bathroom. I plan to retire from radio once I have a Shotzzz on every campus in America.

All right, that’ll do it for this week! Let’s all raise a tall glass of orange juice and toast to the weekend! Meet you all at Shotzzz! First round of White Eagle Bloody Marys on me! Keep your questions coming to @DanaWessel on Twitter, in the comments section below or email them to

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