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Ask Wessel: Which Ninja Turtle would survive a zombie outbreak?

DJ Dana dishes on Nick Cage, Jeff Locke and duck hunting this week.
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Every Friday on Dana Wessel answers your questions. Music, sports, pop culture, whatever you want. Have a question? You can tweet them to @DanaWesselor email him at You can read the Ask Wessel archives here.

Q: Which Ninja Turtle would be most likely to survive a zombie apocalypse? - James

Donatello. Easy. The zombie apocalypse is 60% mental and 40% physical. The Turtles are all pretty comparable fighters so the nod goes to the turtle in purple. Donnie has the brains to survive the 'bie 'lypse.

Raph just doesn't have the temperament to last long. He'd get pissed off about something, go off on his own and become zombie grub, but not before stabbing and killing Leonardo for being annoying as hell. "We have to practice the teachings of Master Splinter and meditate." Shut up, Leo. This is the zombie apocalypse. The teachings of a rat who was too old and slow to even survive the initial outbreak aren't going to help you.

As far as Mikey goes, he's a total sweetheart. But also a total dumbass. He'd be in some half burned-down Papa John's trying to salvage a 'za before getting housed from behind by a pack of hungry zombies.

Q: Did you see they rebooted MacGyver? Is it official? Have we now officially run out of things to reboot? How soon until we start rebooting reboots? - Danny

I actually saw a trailer for the new MacGyver and was tempted to set up a DVR recording for it, just out of curiosity. But then I came to my senses, lit my remote on fire, and threw it into Lake Calhoun.

This is just another example of how far we’ve let nostalgia take over all of our lives. Not ripping it, I am just as guilty as anybody. I recently spent $70 on a Nintendo Entertainment System coffee table book. But I think we need to add at least a touch of creativity to this crap that we reboot. Add a little flair to it.

For example, rather than just rebooting MTV Cribs (the early 2000s show where celebrities flaunted their wealth), we do an MTV Cribs: Where They Live Now Edition. How fantastic would that be? Focusing on all the actors and musicians that have gone broke since their episode of Cribs aired and we get to see how they are living now.

“Coming up on Cribs: Where They Live Now Edition...we’ll take a tour of the foreclosed, muskrat-infested Florida mansion Joey Fatone lived at when No Strings Attached came out in 1999. Then we’ll catch up with Fatone in the Manhattan efficiency he currently rents in an under-the-table deal with the owner of the laundromat it sits above!”

Q: Could I convince you to come duck hunting? - Bob

Hell yeah! I love Duck Hunt. Do you have an old tube TV that it will still play on or need me to bring mine? Hell, I’ll bring one and an extra Nintendo and orange zapper just in case. We could play on dueling TVs! Order some pizzas and pick up some brewskis. Hell of a Saturday night!

Oh, you mean actually hunt ducks? Like with guns in the great outdoors? No, probably not. I have never shot a gun and would feel bad shooting an animal. Especially ducks. I effing love ducks. I don’t even eat duck. I saw a duck get hit by a car on my street two summers ago and it still haunts my dreams.

I am not anti-hunting. I get why it’s necessary. Circle of life and all of that. Happy for people who enjoy it. But it’s just not my thing.

But NES zappers and Duck Hunt? Hell yeah. My place or yours?

Q: Is it time to start calling (Vikings punter) Jeff Locke, "Future Hall of Fame Punter" Jeff Locke? - AP (not the Vikings running back AP, I think)

Absolutely! But I must admit, I didn’t know who Jeff Locke was until a few weeks ago. Then I read a profile on him in the Star Tribune and he became my NFL spirit animal.

You see, much like Locke, I also grew up with a speech impediment. I couldn’t say my Rs or Ls at all until well into my teenage years. I went to speech class a couple times a week during school. It sucked. It was embarrassing. As you can probably remember, kids in elementary school weren’t too forgiving about stuff like that. Twice a week, I’d have to leave class to go this mysterious room in the library and lie to my classmates about what I was doing. I remember having one saint for a teacher that would cover for me by saying I was going to an advanced learning class because I was smarter than everyone else. That was the Thomas Lake Elementary School equivalent of Billy Madison covering for Ernie when he peed his pants.

Thankfully I was taller than most kids and decent at sports so it could have been worse. But you have no idea the sense of dread a 10-year old has when he gets called on to read in front of the class and he has already scanned ahead to see the word “girl” (I’d say it like guhhhhh) comes up in the next paragraph. Any word with a back-to-back R-L* was kryptonite to a kid with my type of speech issue. I had a better at shot solving one of those equations from Good Will Hunting than pronouncing one out loud without getting made fun of.

*R.L. Stine being my favorite childhood author didn’t help things much either. “Ahhhhh Ehhhhh Stine.”

But things turned out alright. Everybody goes through something in elementary school. Lots of kids had it much worse than me, obviously. Not complaining or looking for sympathy. Just saying I love Locke and hope he becomes the first punter to go into the NFL Hall of Fame. He’s my NFL spirit animal.

Q: How are #danasflyers gonna do this year? - Glen

They are gonna win the Super Bowl of hockey, homeboy.

Q: If I am at a restaurant and they screwed my order up, I just deal with it. My girlfriend makes fun of me. But I am too afraid if I send it back they will get P.O.-d and do something to my food. Am I being paranoid or sensible? - Jimmy

I see where people are coming from with this, but I never really hesitate to send stuff back. You are already rolling the dice by eating out at a lot of places. Have you ever peeked into the kitchen of most places, especially sports/dive bars? That ain’t exactly Bobby Flay or Emeril Lagasse back there making your nachos and jalapeno poppers. It’s someone who grabbed the job off a posting on Craigslist and has his bartender friends sneak them back shots of whiskey a couple times an hour.

Q: Who would you book to play a Wessel tribute concert? - John

Oh, man. I’d go after some big acts. Gotta go big. Full spread, the works really.

Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band (Tribute Band)

Miley Cyrus(‘s dad Billy Ray)

Eminem(‘s half brother)

(The guys who played) NWA (in the movie Straight Outta Compton)

Just a SICK bill.

Q: What is the first Nicolas Cage film I should show my 7 month old grandson, and when should I do it? - Steve

Hmmm. Seven months? Probably a bit too young for the violence and swearing in Con Air or The Rock. So I say you start him off light with the Walt Disney-backed National Treasure series. All the Cage-ing of Con Air and Rock, but less naughtiness and Sean Connery.

As far as when...about four months ago. He is seven months and he hasn’t seen a Cage flick?! How dare you, grandpa? Don’t make me call child protection services. Do you know how much razzing this kid is gonna get at daycare from the other lil chummers when they find out he hasn’t gotten rattle-deep in any #ConfirmedCage?!

Q: What changes or tweaks do you want to see made to the Royal Rumble? - Dustin

This is a good question. I am torn. Part of me doesn’t want to mess with a classic. The Rumble isn’t exactly broken, but it isn’t exactly fresh, either. It seems to follow the same sort of formula each year. A contender comes in first or second. The other contenders come towards the end. If there is a surprise return they will always be No. 30. In-between the start and end there will be a big run of novelty wrestlers that come out for comedic effect. It’s all be done.

I am not sure exactly what I would do to change it. They can’t make it any bigger. They have a hard enough time finding 30 wrestlers to fill the lineup. Maybe they add some sort of "Money in the Bank"-type thing to the event? Like, during the RAW before the Rumble they do some sort of battle royale where the winner gets a second entrance if he is knocked out early. Maybe an undercard Rumble for a shot at the Intercontinental Belt? Or a tag-team Rumble for a shot at the tag straps? Just spitballin' here.

I dunno, maybe the best move is to just leave it the same. WWE has changed so much (often times for the worse) recently that it is kinda nice to have one thing remain a classic.

Q: My bar job sucks. My manager sucks. The (awful co-workers) suck. I want to quit. What is a funny way I can do it without getting in serious trouble. Some trouble but not go to jail. Don’t use my name - Redacted

This is a tough one. There are a lot of things you could do, like mess with the beer taps or screw with the liquor bottles. But then you’re effing with the customers, too. Your beef isn’t with them. Just your (soon to be former) colleagues.

Don’t overthink it. Just quit Half-Baked style on a busy night. If you don’t know what I am talking about just YouTube it. I don’t think I can post that scene on this family friendly website.

Q: No Vikings this weekend. What should I do with my Sunday? - Ben

Something besides watching other NFL games, that’s for sure. I love how far down the once unflappable NFL’s ratings are plunging.

I say get outside and do something. The weather is supposed to be 66 on Sunday. We probably won’t get many more of these.

Alright, that’ll do it for this week! Let’s all raise a tall glass of orange juice and toast to the weekend. Everybody do your best to live like a Goonie this weekend and never say die.

Keep your questions coming to @DanaWessel on Twitter, in the comments section below or email them to

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