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Deadspin: 'Why Your Team Sucks 2013: Green Bay Packers'

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Drew Magary of Deadspin.com profiled exactly why the Vikings suck on Wednesday. Today, Magary explains why the Packers suck.

The full post is here, but check out some of his finer points.

Your quarterback: Aaron Rodgers. It took longer than it should have, but I can proudly say that I truly hate Aaron Rodgers now. Seriously, (expletive) him. For too long, Rodgers was admired by millions of people merely for not being Brett Favre. Rodgers bros down with people on Twitter over Ryan Braun, makes that stupid championship belt pantomime in the end zone (he doesn’t even put his heart into it when he does it), and generally acts like an aloof (expletive). Any time he suddenly morphs into an inaccurate gimp in the playoffs, he makes the exact same face: He kind of stares around, as if to say THE BATTERIES IN THIS OFFENSE AREN’T WORKING! Then he stares at the ground. I’m looking forward to seeing that the next time they play the 49ers.

Why your team sucks: Don’t live in Green Bay? Go to your local sports bar on an NFL Sunday. You will find a group of Packers fans sitting together at a table. They will have been there since 9:00. There will be two men, both rocking Rodgers jerseys and both rocking full-grown beards even though they can’t grow beards for (expletive). And there will be two women—presumably mates for the males—rocking A.J. Hawk jerseys and frizzy bangs. These people won’t say a (expletive) WORD to one another until the Packers game starts. It’s creepy as hell. It’s as if they need the Packers game on in order to reanimate. They may as well live in a (expletive) coffin for 345 days a year.

By the way, the Packers DO suck this year. The defense is still a pile of loose rags. Bryan Bulaga is done for the year, meaning Rodgers will get to re-live the 2008 season all over again. Eddie Lacy (he should be a PI with that name) is fat. I know he’s NOT fat, but I still like to think of him as fat because it makes me happy. Either way, he will join the long list of recent Packers RBs who are good for three games and immediately sink into a career death spiral afterwards. Their best pass-catching threats (Randall Cobb, Jordy Nelson) will each sprain a knee six times by Week 4. There’s no Charles Woodson around anymore to bail out the front seven. And Mason Crosby is terrible. So (expletive) you.

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