Deadspin: 'Why Your Team Sucks 2013: Minnesota Vikings'

Author:
Updated:
Original:

Leave it to Deadspin to post a hilarious column on why every team in the NFL is horrible. The full post on the Vikings is right here.

Here are some snippets from it. Keep in mind that the writer -- Drew Magary -- is a Viking fan... and he has a potty mouth.

"Your quarterback: Christian Ponder. Any positive statement about the Vikings can be countered with “Yeah, but Ponder sucks.” Adrian Peterson is really good! Yeah, but Ponder sucks. Holy (expletive), look at all the shiny new first rounders in camp! Yeah, but Ponder sucks. That Harrison Smith sure seems gritty! Yeah, but Ponder sucks. It’s like putting an Italian cruise ship captain in charge of Seal Team Six. Christian Ponder is a nice fellow, but when third-and-long arrives and he drops back, I spend half a minute praying he doesn’t actually release the ball. I just want him to curl underneath a defensive end so that Blair Walsh can attempt a 90-yard field goal."

"Why your team sucks: Take it from me: Out of all the fanbases in this division, we are the worst. By far. It’s not even close. Lions fans are loyal. Packers fans are insane. Bears fans are fun. And we suck. We are the Atlanta of upper Midwest sports fan groups. The second the Vikings dip even a hair below .500, they have trouble selling tickets.

"Minnestoans are the snobbiest people on the face of the earth. The average Orono soccer mom resents the fact that she has to cheer for this team, which has no championship history to boast to the neighbors about, no fabled outdoor stadium to hold a Jell-O picnic outside of, and gets no extra ladlefuls of adoration from that fat (expletive) Chris Berman. The second Brett Favre joined the Vikings, Minnesotans were OVER(expletive)JOYED, because they got to co-opt a little bit of Packers glory for themselves. It was horrifying. And that’s true any time a former Packer joins Vikings: Darren Sharper, Ryan Longwell, etc. We got one, yay! It’s like having a mother who loves some rich kid down the street more than her own flesh and blood.

"Our owner is a crook and will probably stop spending any money now that he’s swindled the state into buying a new stadium. The old stadium has a garbage bag for a roof. The new joint will have a CLEAR garbage bag for a roof. My life is a waste. I hate this team. You betcha."

Next Up

aircraft-2385194_1280

Pair escape uninjured as plane crashes moments after takeoff

It crashed about a half mile southwest of Faribault Airport.

Screen Shot 2021-04-22 at 4.12.50 PM

For The Week: Making cocktails at home? Here's how to do it right

Lindsay Guentzel's For The Week column features simple food and drink tips.

coronavirus, covid-19

Mayo Clinic study provides 'best guess' about pandemic's future in MN

Minnesota could be seeing decreasing numbers into the summer if the study is correct.

daunte wright funeral - siblings

Mourners remember Daunte Wright, plead for justice

Wright was killed by a now-former Brooklyn Center police officer on April 11.

covid

HealthPartners: COVID hospitalizations driven by unvaccinated, middle aged adults

The health provider says the average age of its hospitalized patients is trending downwards.

Andrew Thomas booking photo

Man suspected of shooting at National Guard in Minneapolis faces more charges

He has now been charged in Hennepin County District Court with more serious crimes.

wetlands

Investigation finds EPA mishandled oversight for PolyMet mine permits

A new report found the EPA didn't follow its own procedures when it submitted comments on the proposed project.

baseball

MDH's new COVID guidance urges weekly testing for those involved in sports

Those not involved in school sports are still advised to get tested every two weeks.

Trey Lance

With loaded QB draft class, now is the time for Vikings to act

With a strong class, this year might be the time to select Kirk Cousins' successor.

Related