After adding up scores, double- and triple-counting every single week, turning results over to an investigative panel for review, and quadruple-counting their findings, we have a winner in the Bring Me The News season-long Vikings predictor series.
It is with great honor, pride, admiration, and a little bit of jealousy thanks to an elimination almost six weeks ago, that we present to the masses the champion of chatter and the most powerful prognosticator of 2013, morning sports voice Eric Perkins.
"The true test of a champion is how one responds when finding themselves in a hole," Perkins glistened. "Just ask Tim Brewster. I like big finishes. Dangle the carrot, let them believe they have a legitimate chance, and then snatch the vegetable away as they reach for it. Then chomp it. And spit the green leafy stem in their face. Like Freddie Mercury says, "We are the Champions", and like his last name does, it rises. Like me, like a phoenix, like the Phoenix Suns, I shine like a diamond. Like Rihanna sings: "Shine bright like a diamond". Like on a king's crown. Aaaah, it's good being king."
Perkins claims the title after last week predicting the Vikings would defeat the Detroit Lions in the final game in Metrodome history by a single point. The result: a 14-13 win for Minnesota.
The Baltimore Ravens defense of 2000 or the Tampa Bay Buccaneers defense of 2002 couldn't stop us from handing Perkins the big, glittery trophy (trophy is not big or glittery) after stepping up in crunch time like that.
That predictive brilliance sealed a Kansas City Chiefs-like collapse for newcomer Aaron Ziemer, who had led the predictions for the last month, at one point by 11 full points.
While he picked the final game correctly as well, giving the Purple a 27-20 victory, it wasn't enough, as Ziemer had victory snatched by the jaws of defeat.
"I have to hand it to Perk for picking the Vikings to win by a point," Ziemer admitted. "Hitting that margin obviously was enough for him to overcome a great season by me. I guess there is something to be said for coming through in the clutch, even though he completely missed on the score. I guess the one lucky pick of the score margin was enough to erase my lead. I won't mention that the point system is completely random and offers little explanation for how I was awarded no points the week before, despite my correct prediction."
Shots at the scoring committee will not be tolerated, I'm, ahem, they, are personally insulted. The correct levies will be made to Ziemer's score entering the 2014 season. Jerk.
As for the other remaining predictor, night sports guy Joe Nelson, he ended the season strong, correctly predicting the Vikings victory despite saying the Purple would win by four touchdowns.
A valiant season, but in the end, it appears his mind was simply too small and focused on Chipotle to have finished at the top.
"It was a tough season," said Nelson. "I never understood the scoring system. My sources, which will remain unnamed, told me the scoring was developed by the same morons that created the BCS. In the end, Perkins has been playing at a high level for a long time. There's no shame in finishing second, or third, or wherever I finished. Oh...who am I kidding?! Perk cheated and Ziemer looks like Brendan Fraser from 'Encino Man.' This game was rigged from the start!"
Fraser in Encino Man is seen above, and that's some quality smack talk in defeat, though Nelson will also see the wrath of insulting the official scorers once 2014 comes around.
In the end, we believe the right person won, and insist that despite claims, the scoring system was well thought out and understood by some better than others.
The main criteria for scoring was don't insult those scoring, and you'll probably win.
Well done Perk, you get it, and truly operate on a different level than us all.